Still, You’ve Got to Laugh Haven’t You.

 

Dean Burnett is a doctor of neuroscience at Cardiff University working in the Institute of Psychological Medicine and Clinical Neurosciences.  He is also a part-time stand-up comedian and science writer for The Guardian. In this extract, he explains the importance of laughter and the consequences of when telling a bad joke goes wrong.

Despite us not being exactly sure why we humans laugh, we all like jokes. However, different people are amused by different things. Same goes for music, food, fashion, holidays, and so on. Everyone’s different, it would be a tedious world where we all agreed on everything all the time. But one surprising occurrence is just how dramatic the reaction can be when a joke goes down badly, or falls flat. Nearly every comedian has a horror story about a hostile reaction from a crowd when a bit didn’t go over very well (I myself have an anthology of such anecdotes). And consider how quick people are these days to openly and vocally lambast a new sitcom if, in the space of a single debut episode, it has the audacity to be anything less than the pinnacle of all merriment.

It’s not that jokes and comedy are unique in prompting negative responses; criticism of albums, performances, books, films, paintings etc. aren’t at all unusual. But humour that doesn’t resonate with people does seem to provoke a more visceral, hostile response than other attempts at entertainment. Someone doesn’t like jazz, they’re likely to say it’s “not their thing”, but a comedian says a joke they don’t like and they may well yell “YOU’RE SH*T!” directly at them. Compared to other forms of entertainment and expression, jokes get much shorter-shrift when they fail. Why?

One explanation is that expectation is a big part of why we laugh. Many theories around humour and laughter point at expectations being altered or twisted. A distorted version of a plausible event is presented in your typical joke, and this renders our usual expectations irrelevant, which in turn creates uncertainty, producing a sense of tension in our brain. “Why would a horse walk into a bar? How can a man feel like a pair of curtains? Why would a chicken even be at a road in the first place? WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!?!?” All this creates a sort of ‘psychic tension’, or cognitive stress, which is released when the punchline is revealed. This causes a sense of relief and pleasure, which is why we laugh, and enjoy doing so.

That’s one theory anyway. But thwarted expectations can be bad for joke tellers. The rhythms and structure of joke telling are pretty deeply ingrained in humans, so much so that even deaf people follow the same joke-telling rhythms of pauses and punchlines. This is important because deaf people, communicating in entirely visual ways, don’t risk disrupting the joke teller by laughing over the setups and details. But still, they don’t do that. Bottom line, we all know how jokes work, we obey the structure, and we expect to laugh at the end.

So, if we’re told a joke, and it’s so bad we don’t laugh, it’s not just disappointment we experience. We’ve been denied a reward, at the neurological level. Our brains were expecting pleasure, didn’t get it, and now we feel thwarted, cheated, angry. Hence, jokes that flop are infuriating.

But there’s also the social aspect of laughter and humour. It’s a very open, public thing, to laugh. It’s believed to have evolved to strengthen bonds between people, enhance group cohesion, and so on. You’re 30 times more likely to laugh as part of a group than you are alone. Normally this is all good, but humans aren’t necessarily egalitarian. We’re always trying to be liked, be accepted by others, to one-up each other, be the best or dominant one in our select group. Humour and laughter plays into this, especially for men it seems. We often laugh at people to show our ‘dominance’, to elevate our social status above theirs. So when someone tells you a joke, even if it’s not at your expense, you may subconsciously recognise that they’re trying to elevate themselves above you in the social hierarchy. Particularly if they’re a stand-up, in front of an audience, effectively controlling them.

And then the joke flops. At the subconscious level, this means several things. Someone’s tried to manipulate you, and failed. Someone’s tried to make themselves socially superior to you, and failed. Someone’s promised you laughter, a reward, and they haven’t delivered. Someone’s assumed your tastes and humour will be satisfied by their joke, and got it spectacularly wrong. This is, essentially, insulting and criticising the joke receiver in multiple ways. And this makes us, among other things, angry. So it turns out that telling a bad joke is indeed a high-risk venture.

Still, you’ve got to laugh haven’t you.

Still, You’ve Got to Laugh Haven’t You.

February 8, 2017

Now That’s What I Call Integrity

The Honours System – how does this continue to exist, how on earth is this still a thing?! It defies a defence.

What a honour to receive a knighthood, you might think and in some ways you might be right. Did you know though that the knights, Alex Ferguson, David Attenborough et al are only what’s called Bachelor Knights. It is a notable acknowledgement of their achievements but is considered the most basic and lowest rank of a man who has been knighted by the monarch and rank far below knights of the various orders of chivalry. A sort of ‘undergraduate’ if you will! This has got everything to do with precedence, bloodline and keeping the power status quo as it is; if we were talking of inequities in taxation, education, the law or any other aspect of our constitution, we would be scrutinizing and questioning it far more.

Let me describe how I feel this honeynest works, starting with how it began

Left alone, with no interference, an agrarian society works like this. Farmers take their fish, goat or lentils to market together with say, cotton  for textiles and sesamum for oil-making. Builders quarry local stone, miners excavate ore, prospectors extract gold and woodman fell trees for artisans to sculpt, carve, forge and cast. Localised trading continues as thus, unchanged, unfettered, unashamed.

Then your planners, politicians, entrepreneurs and engineers come along and decide to develop your roads, canals and riverways to connect to other markets of goat, mutton, ivory and bronze. Other cities or lands bring cultural development of joined up taxed thinking in the way of government providing gymnasiums, theatres, infirmaries for healthcare of mind and body, housing and sanitation, a police force to deal with inequities that arise and an army of ‘rabble’ and elite soldiers to defend what you’ve worked hard to produce. Everybody benefits.

Then your elders, leaders, chiefs decide, fuck this co-operative shit stuff, how can I hold on to this power and pass it on, unearned, to my bloodline. Well, see that land up to the mountains, including that river, forest and farmland, I’m now calling it Monarchyland and guess what I’m King, this is our flag and this our anthem and you, you and you can be my kiss-arse dukes. You can be an earl, you can be a prince and you’ve worked very hard for my cause, so I’m going to bestow on you a Knights Bachelor; now fuck off and sit at the bottom of the table with the arse-licking CBEs, OBEs and those fucking do-gooders MBEs. (Their thoughts, not mine, mind). Any critic or body who questions this is simply a traitor. And so it goes on, the theft of wealth (colonisation), the absolute strangulation of meritocracy (class system) and the retention of power (nepotistic oligarchy)

The poor are poor because the rich are rich, they are indisputably connected. The honours system is a tip for the poor, a ticket for the useful compliant low-level aspirant to sit at the table and an inducement for the rich and influential to keep quiet and acquire some patronage. Consider these two principled men who are brave enough to swim against that considerable tide.

Howard Gayle, the first black footballer to play for Liverpool turned down an MBE nomination, saying it would be “a betrayal” to Africans who suffered at the hands of the British Empire. He added,

“Most of you are aware of the work that I do tackling racism and the work I do for Show Racism A Red Card and for that work yesterday I was nominated for a MBE. Unfortunately I had to decline the nomination for the reason that my ancestors would be turning in their graves after how Empire and Colonialism had enslaved them. This is a decision that I have had to make and there will be others who may feel different and would enjoy the attraction of being a Member of the British Empire and those 3 letters after their name, but I feel that it would be a betrayal to all of the Africans who have lost their lives, or who have suffered as a result of Empire.”

Hillsborough campaigner Phil Scraton has just refused an OBE.

“I could not receive an honour on the recommendation of those who remained unresponsive to the determined efforts of bereaved families and survivors to secure truth and justice. I know this might come as a disappointment to some Hillsborough families, survivors and whoever nominated me, however, I could not accept an honour tied in name to the ‘British Empire’. In my scholarship and teaching I remain a strong critic of the historical, cultural and political contexts of imperialism and their international legacy.”

I feel really sad at the death of George Michael; by all accounts it seems he was an extremely generous, loving and talented man who tragically died too young. Same goes for Carrie Fisher. My frustration is always that the general public are unaware and are kept suitably unappreciative of the heroes and great people who give with their lives, every day , and live right under their noses. It’s easy to do a lot for charity when you’re rich, it’s when you do it when you’re poor, it’s impressive.

Now That’s What I Call Integrity

December 30, 2016

Oops, I Caused a Genocide – Pass the Port!

Eritis sicut Deus, scientes bonum et malum

In the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil’

I’ve been researching war records for background information for a character for a book. I’m interested in the feared Japanese invasion of Calcutta in 1942 after they had taken Burma, Thailand and routed the British forces to seize control of Singapore. The then British Raj is in its last throes. The Indian Nationalist voice, ‘Quit India’ is becoming more powerful exacerbating the difficulties in fighting the war in Europe, North Africa and the Pacific.

So…who is the Governor of Bengal at this time? – Read on!

John Arthur Herbert is the son of a diplomat and an american emigrant. The First World War abruptly cuts short his education and he enlists into the Royal Horse Guards. A year later, he is commissioned as a temporary second lieutenant which becomes a second lieutenant and then a lieutenant in ‘the Blues’. After hostilities ends, the household cavalry is reorganized and permanently stationed in London throughout the inter-war period. Herbert is made a captain.

He marries into aristocracy. His bride is 21 year old Lady Mary Theresa Fox-Strangways. Several hundred invited guests hold up the Kensington traffic along the Brompton road as far as Harrods at their wedding The reception, held at Holland House which has been owned by the Fox family for the last 200 years and handed down to Lady Mary’s father, the 6th Earl of Ilchester, is a very lavish affair. Gifts for the bride include a diamond cipher and monogram brooch from the king and queen, a gold and alabaster clock from Princess Mary and Viscount Lascelles; a shagreen cigarette case from the Duke and Duchess of York and a pair of silver lamps from Princess Victoria.

Herbert follows his father as the Master of the foxhounds of the Monmouthshire pack, managing to combine the job with being Adjutant of the Blues. In 1934 he is made into a honorary Major and contests the Monmouth by-election; it has always been a safe conservative hold. Herbert duly holds on to it in the following year’s general election and during his five years at Westminster, he becomes an assistant unpaid whip. Herbert, by no stretch of any imagination, gains great experience in the affairs of state. In parliament he only makes 13 utterances, according to Hansard so it is quite a surprise to all, when it is announced, that he is to become the new Governor of Bengal in ’39 on the death of the very popular Lord Brabourne.

At this point, there is an obvious need to increase Herbert’s ‘noteworthiness’ or ‘precedence’. His rank of Major is upgraded to Colonel and he is hastily made a Knight Commander of the Indian Empire, GCIE. The award of the various orders of chivalry in these years is quite breathtaking. Herbert is comparatively a nobody but is advanced with all the nepotism that characterises British government in these (any?) days. The Indian Civil Service especially notes his appointment ruefully. According to several top ICS officers who serve under him, including one who was his private secretary, and this is putting it mildly, he is not considered having the necessary talents for the job. Herbert, by all accounts, possesses ideas that fall admirably in line with the imperial designs of the British. To add to his rather complex character, he is known as ‘Herbert the pervert’ in intimate circles for some of his strange proclivities. In governship he acts with brutally repressive measures, deploying both the police and the military who take the law in their own hands. They make few arrests. Instead they kill, burn, torture, maim and rape, all with a carte blanche issued by governor Herbert.

So in December 1942 with the Japanese bombing Calcutta and the fear that India would be invaded from the east, Churchill the instigator with the compliance of Viceroy Linlithgow and Herbert the puppet, push a scorched earth policy – which goes by the sinister name of Denial Policy – in coastal Bengal. Authorities remove boats (the lifeline of the region) and the police destroy and seize rice stocks. The consequences of these actions, in tandem with devastating floods caused by a cyclone, are cataclysmic. The Bengal Famine of 1943 is not covered in British history lessons and was wholly covered up in the years after the war. When we’re asked about the holocaust, we should ask – “Which one?”

Starving people beg for the starchy water in which rice has been boiled. Children eat leaves and vines, yam stems and grass. Parents dump their starving children into rivers and wells. Many take their lives by throwing themselves in front of trains. People are too weak even to cremate their loved ones as no one has the strength to perform the usually essential rites. Dogs and jackals feast on piles of dead bodies in Bengal’s villages. Cannibalism exists. The ones who get away are men who migrate to Calcutta for jobs and women who turn to prostitution to feed their families. Mothers turn into murderers, village belles into whores, fathers into traffickers of daughters.

The famine ends at the end of the year as soon as the military and commercial logistics, together with the will, prevail to move grain and rice stocks from other areas of India. This is initiated by the new incumbent of Viceroy, Field Marshall Wavell. It has since been established how Churchill and his associates could easily have stopped the famine but they refused, in spite of repeated appeals including the President of the United States. Government stocks are released but only to feed the people of Calcutta, especially British business people and their employees, railway and port workers and government staff. Controlled shops are opened for more important Calcuttans and the urban population never suffer too greatly. The rural masses, however, are left to the wolves.

The Bengal Famine was not caused by lack of food. Generally the estimates of the death toll are between 1.5 and 3 million, taking into account death due to starvation, malnutrition and disease.

Half of the victims died from disease after food became available in December 1943. Food production was actually higher in 1943 compared to 1941 but the British Empire took 60% of all harvests and ordered Bengal to supply a greater proportion of the food for their army to fight the Japanese. As in previous Bengal famines, the highest mortality was not in previously very poor groups, but among artisans and small traders whose income vanished when people spent all they had on food and did not employ cobblers, carpenters, etc. The famine caused major economic and social disruption, ruining millions of families for decades to follow.

Before his (un)timely death at the end of 1943 to which some high ranking ICS personnel have written, ‘good riddance’,  Sir John Arthur Herbert was sanctioned by the King in promotion in and appointment to The Venerable Order of the Hospital of St John of Jerusalem. The order was founded throughout the Commonwealth of Nations, Hong Kong, the Republic of Ireland, and the United States of America,with the world-wide mission “to prevent and relieve sickness and injury, and to act to enhance the health and well-being of people anywhere in the world.”

His wife, Lady Mary was awarded the Kaisar-i-Hind gold medal (for usefulness in or for India) in 1942. Herbert’s military secretary, Lt Col Wilmot Bloomfield Peel writes in an obituary for Lady Mary, …. ‘her devotion to duty was unsparing as was the loyal and encouraging help she gave to her husband in alleviating the distress caused to the people of the province by the floods and famine, the destruction and horror of which shook the stoutest souls.’

A Commission’s report into the famine was well organised, coherent, filled with information – and utterly misleading. When the Commission had finished its considerations, the Chairman, Sir John Woodhead, ordered the destruction of all the evidence gathered. The Commission was a tremendous success. It delayed and concealed the issues involved, and, coupled with the careful press censorship enforced at the time, the whole issue of the famine was misted over and forgotten.

There is a problem with British military history, succinctly outlined by an American historian and author, Barbara Tuchman:

No nation has ever produced a military history of such verbal nobility as the British. Retreat or advance, win or lose, blunder or bravery, murderous folly or unyielding resolution, all emerge alike clothed in dignity and touched with glory. Every engagement is gallant, every battle a decisive action. There is no shrinking from superlatives: every campaign produces a general or generalship hailed as the most brilliant of the war. Everyone is splendid: soldiers are staunch, commanders cool, the fighting magnificent. Whatever the fiasco, aplomb is unbroken. Mistakes, failures, stupidities and other causes of disaster mysteriously vanish. Disasters are recorded with care and pride and become transmuted into things of beauty. 

Oops, I’ve Caused a Genocide – Pass the Port.

On His Majesty’s Service

The machinations of the ruling elite are far more transparent and accountable nowadays with the access that all media gives us to the workings of government, the military and the secret services.

A bold statement? Consider two iconic historic figures for validation.

In return for a fee of £5,000, two oil companies, Royal Dutch Shell and Burmah Anglo-Persian Oil Company [later BP], asked Churchill to represent them in their application to the government for a merger. By modern British political standards, the 1923 payment would be considered highly inappropriate, nevertheless Churchill agreed to use his parliamentary influence to raise the issue in return for money. He accepted all sorts of gifts, which in today’s culture of full disclosure would get you expelled from the Commons. But those rules were not in place at the time. The Register of Members’ Interests was only introduced in 1975. You can argue that it was a conflict of interest, you can even argue that it was wrong, but etiquette dictates that you can’t call it a bribe in the sense that it wasn’t actually illegal. Politicians links with business and the media weren’t under the same level of scrutiny as they are now, “he was operating in a slightly different ethical environment.”

Churchill’s detested other ethnicities and races, he believed in the supremacy of the white race. In Churchill’s view, white protestant Christians were at the top, above white Catholics, while Indians were higher than Africans. Churchill saw himself and Britain as being the winners in a social Darwinian hierarchy. Even Prince Philip couldn’t get away with the following:

When Mahatma Gandhi began his peaceful resistance in India, Churchill was outraged and said: “He ought to be lain bound hand and foot at the gates of Delhi, and then trampled on by an enormous elephant with the new Viceroy seated on its back.”

“I hate Indians. They are a beastly people with a beastly religion.”

“I am strongly in favour of using poisoned gas against the uncivilized tribes… it would spread a lively terror.” Why is it unfair “to fire a shell which makes the said native sneeze – it really is too silly”.

In blaming the Indians for the 1943 Bengal famine which accounted for an estimated 3 million lives, he referred to the fact that they “breed like rabbits”.

But in God and Churchill we put our trust. After all, he won the war along with Monty, Kenneth More and the Bletchley crossword crew.

Secondly and recently, I have known two instances of when young university graduates who, on applying for jobs with MI6, have their families and partners interviewed for background clearance. Understandable and perfectly laudable. These people know what they’re doing, you idiots. They’re from a higher sphere of intelligence and influence despite the outing of the Cambridge spies; Burgess, Maclean, Philby and Blunt being an incredible record of incompetence and naivety. Still take confidence in our secret services, surely you’ve read how in John le carre’s classic, ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’ George Smiley masterly flushes out the mole. The material above about Churchill is widely known and documented but consider this from wikipedia:

‘Philby is summarised as a British traitor and an anti-Semite. It is suggested Philby never forgave the British government for ending his civil service career (due to sexual misconduct). Once recruited by MI6, according to these authors, Philby used his intelligence assignment to take revenge on the British government. With the extensive contacts he acquired as a British agent, Philby continued to betray British policy and resist all efforts at creating a Jewish homeland throughout his life. Philby disclosed classified British intelligence to Ibn Saud during wartime; he secretly helped secure American oil concessions in Saudi Arabia, double-crossing British competitors; he created economic partnerships, allied against British interests and in favour of Nazi Germany, with the help of Allen Dulles (later CIA Director); and Philby worked with Nazi intelligence to sabotage efforts at creating a Jewish homeland.’

..and your point is? – Well the Philby above isn’t Kim Philby one of the Cambridge four, it’s his father St John Philby!! Good background checking, I don’t think, you shaken but not stirred fuckwits.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_John_Philby (Occupation:- Arabist, explorer, writer and…intelligence officer!)

On His Majesty’s Service

The Psychology of Tyranny

The Experiment was a documentary series broadcast on BBC television in 2002  in which 15 men were randomly selected to be either “prisoner” or “guard”, contained in a simulated prison over an eight-day period. The men were initially tested and screened by clinical psychologists and were broadly judged to be ‘good ‘men.”The BBC Prison Study explored the social and psychological consequences of putting people in groups of unequal power. It examined when people accept inequality and when they challenge it”. 

In a very short time indeed, the disunion between the two groups encompassed phases of conflict, order, rebellion and tyranny. The guards lacked a sense of common identity from the start. They could not agree on values and goals leading their group to be disunited and vulnerable to exploitation by various prisoners. Some members of both groups did try to work hard to achieve their group goals but were frustrated  – either because they lacked group identity and group power or because they are unwilling to exert group power. As a result they became burnt out, despondent and stressed. The conclusions of the study point to important links between social psychological factors (group identity, group solidarity) and significant clinical outcomes (anxiety,depression).  Mental health may be ‘all in the mind’, but the state of the mind is powerfully shaped by the quality of group life.

So what has this got to do with the likes of Mr. Trump?!

See if you can read any similarities what transpired in those eight days and what is happening in America today. Here are the conclusions of the study:

Successful groups give their members the power to put ideas into practice; this brings psychological benefits to individual members. The implications for a society vary and will depend upon the particular belief systems associated with particular groups. Where these beliefs are undemocratic and oppressive, groups can be tyrannical. Conversely, where these beliefs are democratic and open, groups can safeguard humanity.

But why do people support oppressive groups? When and why do we fall under the spell of tyrants? Our study suggests that this happens when groups fail. When people cannot realize their own values and beliefs, they are more likely to accept alternatives – however drastic – that provide the prospect of success. In particular, when their group is failing, they are more likely to embrace a strong figure who promises to make things work for them. It is this combination of failure and promise which made our participants become more authoritarian. In history too, these are conditions that have precipitated tyranny.

The answer to tyranny is not to distrust or to fear power. It was this that created problems for the Guards’ regime and for the Commune. Rather, the answer is to use group power responsibly, democratically and in defence of humane values. In this way, we can act together to resist tyranny – either one imposed by others or one made by ourselves.

The Psychology of Tyranny

Words Can’t Express How I Feel!

In Statistics, discrete variables, such as people, apples and words, are countable. Before leaving the pub, you’re asked.. “How many glasses of wine have you had?” You can’t have 1.5 televisions. On the other hand, continuous quantities such as time, height, volume, alcohol and emotion (?) are measurable. The only limit to you knowing  the length of your table is your measuring device. In fact you could argue that by continually zooming in on the end of the tape measure in ever-increasing smaller divisions , you can never state exactly how long the table is. On the way home from the pub you’re asked… “and how much have you had to drink, Sir?”

Could this be a explanation why it’s so difficult to convey our feelings and emotions which are fluid and indefinite by words which are concrete and finite. John Lydon certainly thinks so in this Radio 4 interview with Stephen Fry:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p02z834v

Words Can’t Express How I Feel!

Dear Germany

Dear Germany

Greetings and best wishes from a recently retired maths teacher from Downton Abbey Land. I just wanted to write and tell you how much you are admired by generally balanced empathic people around the world. As I approach 60 and think today of the disgrace of our country’s lack of commitment to the refugee disaster, I shudder to think what you, in Germany, and the rest of Europe must think of us. I worry we will never win the European Song contest again through an absolute paucity of voting allies!! Could I bypass our government and appeal directly to you, Mrs Merkel, with Europe being our only hope for social justice and laws that protect and fight for the rights and hopes of working people. My wife and I have two empty bedrooms where greatly loved sons used to sleep but have now flown the coop. We’ll take somebody in a heartbeat and I know we’re not alone here, a sentiment that good people in Germany have shown in exemplary fashion.  I hope crass stereotypical characterizations of the German people, held by some of my countrymen, will now be accordingly rewritten.

When teaching ratios, I used to give examples of recipes or mixing concrete to illustrate the proportional comparison of components. I’m afraid I also used to recall an engagement from British imperialist military history; that of Rhorke’s Drift, South Africa, where a garrison of 100 British soldiers was attacked by 4 000 zulus. That’s 40: 1 relatively. I’ve got to apologize here as I used to play with toy soldiers when I was young where we would work out relative strengths of our armies. Folks, there’s irony here, because twenty years later as a man approaching his thirties, I remember being enraged when this 40:1 ratio appeared again in commonwealth summit negotiations in which about 40 odd leaders of disparate countries tried, in vain, to modify Margaret Thatcher’s solitary implacable opposition to economic sanctions against South Africa.

‘Mrs Thatcher is prepared to go along with most parts of the package, but not with the sanctions. She is opposed to economic sanctions in any form, and even to the threat of sanctions, because she believes that they would not work and would damage Britain’s extensive economic interests.‘

– Sound familiar? A British leader willing to sacrifice, african or in this case middle-eastern lives for political statesmanship. Churchill was undoubtedly the man for the moment during the Second World War but tell that to the Kurds.

‘Churchill was particularly keen on chemical weapons in the 1920s, suggesting they be used “against recalcitrant Arabs as an experiment”. He dismissed objections as “unreasonable”. “I am strongly in favour of using poisoned gas against uncivilized tribes _ [to] spread a lively terror _” In today’s terms, “the Arab” needed to be shocked and awed. A good gassing might well do the job.’

Can anyone else see similarities between the aristocrat Churchill’s view then to our present etonian prime minister’s callous disregard for the Syrian crisis as if refugees lives are dispensable when you’re preoccupied with fighting for votes at home in the Brexit referendum. Bred to think so!

Our derisory offer to take 20 000 refugees in comparison with the 1 000 000 that your country has taken in, is near to a war crime. Especially as, when it suits their purposes, our leaders tell us we’re supposedly the 5th richest country in the world. The figures give a humanity ratio index of 50: 1

We’re getting worse!

Dear Germany

March 8, 2016

Dear  Mrs Double-Glazing

Dear  Mrs Double-Glazing

We all love our children and want the best for them, that seems perfectly natural and laudable to me. I have to draw your attention to one thing though. There’s an old arabic saying, ‘Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother’; but when you teach 200 children and look after a tutor group with all the pastoral responsibilities that brings, from a teacher’s view many a gazelle can feel like a beetle!

In state education, we teach everyone and anyone. I now appreciate and am grateful to private education like never before for taking away from me, people who generally feel they deserve a bigger slice of the pie.

Here is a series of e-mails that have been exchanged over the last six months between myself and a very caring but over protective parent about her daughter. Bless her!

All names and personal details have been changed.

Hello Mrs Double-Glazing

Apologies for not replying earlier to the letter you sent me, this is the first time I’ve had to draw breath. Phoebe has made a very good start to the year, I’m very pleased with her attitude and commitment to do well. Higher level maths is a big step up and I want to impress on all year 10 students to be prepared to constantly practise the topics we are covering.

I pride myself that I am very proactive in contacting parents throughout Year 10 and 11. I have got into the routine of e-mailing to all parents, schedules of extra revision classes, exam (mock) timetables and general advice. (I might say sometimes, generally to little response)

My main reason for writing is to lay the foundations of selected pupils in this ‘quasi’ higher set having the opportunity to do an additional GCSE Statistics this year. I intend to offer extra lessons after school one night a week later on next term. The course comprises a coursework component, done in the Spring, and a written exam in June 2015. Some pupils will perhaps justifiably consider for their career choice they don’t need to do this course while others are not capable.

I think Phoebe would do very well in this GCSE and I would like her to do it.

I’m interested to hear your views on this.

Kind regards

John Walker

From: Caroline Double-Glazing  [mailto:caroline.doubleglazing@gmail.com]
Sent: 09 February 2015 10:09
To: Walker J
Subject: Re Statistics Homework

Dear Mr Walker,

Thank you for your most helpful outline. Phoebe may come and find you to make sure she is on the right track.

She chose Winter Olympics, Ice Skating and collected the data to show which Country performs best by displaying all the data in different ways and finding average scores. Can you steer her in the right direction?

I can get graph paper or anything she needs to make charts, even A3 graph paper to put all the data to see at a glance and compare. Am I giving her the right support?

Thank you

Caroline Double-Glazing

From: Caroline Double-Glazing  [mailto:caroline.doubleglazing@gmail.com]
Sent: 04 March 2015 08:01
To: Walker J
Subject: Re Statistics

From: Caroline Double-Glazing  [mailto:caroline.doubleglazing@gmail.com]
Sent: 25 March 2015 15:47
To: Walker J
Subject: Re Orthodontist appointment

Dear Mr Walker,

Phoebe has to have her 6 week appointment at the Orthodontists tomorrow at 2.30pm in Chigley. I tried to have it done during the holidays but he will be having two weeks off with his children and this is our last chance.

She is now talking about a test. Is this a Statistics test? Could she complete it at home On Show My Homework during the holidays?  I know she will have a maths lesson with you first thing if you could have a word with her.

There is always two events at the same time! and I am sorry to be taking her out.

Kind regards,

Caroline Double-Glazing

Dear Mr Walker,
I felt sorry for Phoebe tonight, she came so upset and disappointed over her 9/20 result.
Apparently, as soon as the test finished she realised she dropped 3 marks over a mistake she knew the right answer to. She also had very bad stomach pains that day and would have come home but of course she couldn’t.
I understand the course work will be part of her final GCSE  mark but was this test also part of her GCSE mark? How will it work? If that is the case she must work extra hard to get a decent grade now? Such a shame as she grasped all the course work so quickly and was helping a few of her friends. We were secretly hoping she will end up with a decent grade. so if there is any advice you can give that would be so helpful.
Thank you

From: Caroline Double-Glazing  [mailto:caroline.doubleglazing@gmail.com]
Sent: 22 April 2015 07:24
To: Walker J
Subject: Re Coursework improvements

Dear Mr Walker,
I am very concerned about the knock in Phoebe’s maths confidence after receiving her results.yesterday. She must have been having a bad day.
If it is impossible for some pupils to resit the test, please can she at least have her course work back to make improvements and do the Spearman’s Rank diagram that she was supposed to do and perhaps gain a few more marks before she goes into the exam?
Please look at any possibilities of a few more marks from somewhere.
Thank you,
Caroline Double-Glazing

 On 22 April 2015 at 15:23, Walker J <JWalker@bogcomp.shire.sch.uk> wrote:

Dear Mrs Double-Glazing

I have spoken with Phoebe today. The 9/20 was a disaster and a great shame as Phoebe has worked so hard on her project. It can’t be re-sat. If Phoebe were to improve the write-up of her sampling procedure she could perhaps attain 2 more marks for that component of the project. That would bring her up to to 27/40 = 13.5/20 = 6.75/10  = 67.5% for the coursework component (worth 25%) of her GCSE Statistics course. That’s good enough to achieve any grade with a good written exam in the summer.

Hope this helps to allieviate the pain

John Walker

Dear Mrs Double-Glazing, we all love our children…..

February 28, 2016

“When I’m worried and I can’t sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep. I fall asleep counting my blessings.”

I’m very proud to have been a teacher. I was not born to sell washing machines and feel privileged to having spent a career helping people and being part of their lives. It’s a huge honour. When mention is made of people serving their country, an accolade notably reserved for the armed forces and politicians, we should also naturally think of NHS staff, social workers, teachers, the police and all people in our communities that make our society a better place to live. With people involved in the military, the ‘service’ tag is fully justified but generally politicians exist to serve their own interests.

I have been nervous for quite some time to what it will feel like to be retired. My job has always been very important to me and it will leave quite a hole in my life that I will need to fill. It’s like you have been anchored safely in a harbour (fitting as we live in a place called Lee!) and now I’m setting sail again and having to turn my attention to some important decisions. It’s a fantastic opportunity but you have to be brave. There’s a requirement to continually look to new challenges and my worries of acclimatising to a decreased income are eased when I think of where Romy and I  have come from. As Bing sings, “When my bankroll is getting small, I think of when I had none at all.”

Thinking positively is an essential life-skill and has helped me to appreciate that I’ve had a good life with no regrets. The rewards of ‘counting your blessings’ when you feel low has never so better been illustrated for me than when dealing with the my present condition of experiencing continual hissing/ringing in the ears, i.e tinnitus. This ailment suddenly came on a few days ago when after listening to some music through some headphones, I couldn’t get to sleep due to this inner noise. The jury is still out whether I am suffering from a temporary block of the Eustachian tube due to a cold, virus or allergy or through more permanent ageing to the small hairs inside the middle of my historically shit ears. The permanent latter seems the more likely.

My initial reaction of panic to this possible irreversible end to absolute serenity and peace has been alleviated in three ways. Firstly by considering those who are considerably worse off by having to endure interminable pain and whose lives are immeasurably less blessed than mine. Secondly by using a fantastic website called White Noise & Co which allows you to create your own bespoke masking white noise that matches your tinnitus and ‘exteriorises’ it in Dolby fashion. This has meant that it is possible to escape the condition. And lastly and more importantly by the wonderful reassuring support of my lovely wife who is my strength and most trusted friend, advisor and confidante.

Counting my Blessings

July 30, 2015

Come to the Edge

“Come to the edge,” he said.
“We can’t, we’re afraid!” they responded.
“Come to the edge,” he said.
“We can’t, We will fall!” they responded.
“Come to the edge,” he said.
And so they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.”

Guillame Apollinaire

Many people suffer from’loss aversion’, they feel losses more than they feel gains leading them to pass up very favourable odds to avoid a loss.  Psychologically people feel a loss around twice as heavily as they feel a gain.

I don’t bet (often!) but once I put £100 on a greyhound called ‘Shelbourne Aston’ and followed its fortunes through 4/5 qualifying rounds for a place in the Paddy Power Irish Derby Final. Each race it just managed to get the last qualifying spot as many of the  favoured dogs went out. I noticed that in a one-lap race if two greyhounds brushed each other, perhaps when coming out of the traps, it invariably put paid to their chances. Shelbourne had a habit of leaving it very late. My now believing wife joined me in our local pub to watch the final. I told her in the car park, our dog comes from behind. He’s in trap 3 in the white, you can easily spot him he’s the one hopelessly last by the first corner!

We hadn’t a clue if he had won or not until they interviewed the winning owner who mentioned his name. £3 000 quid winnings for a ridiculous punt that makes no sense.

So, if your brother-in-law tells you on a narrow-boat holiday that he has inside knowledge on this champion greyhound. Get off that excuse for a form of transport, find the nearest village betting establishment and don’t be frightened to fly with something in Ireland that arrives later than Ryan Air.

Come to the Edge

July 7, 2015